Her Eating Disorder Story with Kailan Kalina
Kailan Kalina is one
of my business coaching clients who works as a freelance writer and
editor...but she is SO much more than this and has so much wisdom to share with
women, especially when it comes to living with an eating disorder. She is bold, brave, and vulnerable and I am
so grateful that she's opening up about some very personal struggles of hers,
as I know how much it will help others.
I recently talked
with Kailan about overcoming and finding freedom from her eating disorder and
losing her mom to cancer during her college years; a time in life that is hard
for anyone. Along with the battles and the
dark parts, she shares truth, knowledge, triumphs, hope, and courage. For anyone trying to build more inner
strength, this one is for you!
Chasing Freedom From Playing It Small
Kailan talks about
freeing herself from playing it small in all areas of her life. Growing up, she had more of a shy personality
and thought that's the way she always would be, which she recognizes can be a
very dangerous way to think. Playing it small is not honoring the life that we've been given to live so fully.
Kailan has always felt like she wasn't 'ready' for anything big
or just didn't have the confidence to pursue what's on her heart. But at the end of 2019, she started
reflecting on some decisions that she'd made over the last year and identifying
patterns that kept showing up. Seeing
her life laid out like this and the fear that kept her from making changes, she
decided to step into the discomfort and begin actually fulfilling the goals and
dreams that she has in her head and heart.
It's crazy how much
we self-create the barriers of our life and we put ourselves in a box; how much
goes on in between our ears - the stories - that can truly keep us from taking
action. Kailan decided to take responsibility
and something she told me is: "I'm a lot
more capable and deserve a lot better than what I'm allowing". I love this.
Since I started
working with Kailan in 2019, she left her job and took on her own business
full-time and even moved to a completely new city and state! I've literally watched Kailan blossom. A lot of what she needed was just to be
challenged. She needed her newfound
boldness to be reinforced.
Kailan describes
herself as someone who has been totally transformed by her struggles. And that's kind of why she shares about
them. She was once so deep in a place
where she thought that there would never be a way out. Her dream is to be a light for people; to
show them, through her own story, that this chapter they're in is not the end.
Battling An Eating Disorder While Grieving
Kailan had every
single type of eating disorder you can think of. It started as anorexia in her late
teens. She was straight up starving
herself. But as the years went on, she
cycled through bulimia, then heavy binge eating disorder, bingeing and
restricting cycles, body dysmorphia, and orthorexia.
Initially, Kailan
didn't think she had a problem, which is pretty typical when you're deep in
it. Even when people would tell her
she'd lost too much weight, looked too skinny or she needed to eat more. She was in such a defensive mode at that
point. She truly didn't think she needed
help and that nothing was wrong with her.
And the comments almost fed the exact behavior that's unhealthy...when
you get recognized (regardless of whether it be in a positive or negative
light), it makes you want to do that thing that you're getting recognized for.
Kailan first started
losing weight as a senior in high school.
She played basketball for 11 years growing up, very seriously and
competitively. She was captain of her
varsity squad and she decided to get in shape for her senior season. But she did all the wrong things to do that
and ended up totally spiraling out of control with it. It got to a point where she was losing too
much, too fast.
About 4-5 months
after this new health 'regime' began, she found out her mom had brain
cancer. When she found about her mom's
illness, she had a bit of a reality check.
She recalls feeling like "oh, my gosh, I need to figure this
out. I can't be unhealthy for my
family." So she began eating a
little bit more. But then she went off
to college and got caught up in the typical college girl activities, then lost
her mom 1 year and 3 months later.
Obviously, there was a lot of emotional turmoil over the next 5-6 years. And she wasn't really confronting it. She knew she had a problem now - by junior
year of college, she knew she needed help, but she was too stubborn. She didn't know what to do and she was so
ashamed.
Getting through
college as a 19-22 year-old woman is a tough time for anyone. You're just
trying to figure out who you are during those years; throw an eating disorder
and losing a parent on top of that, and it just gets messy. It's a massive grieving process.
Kailan's mom went
into treatment during her college years and she had to make a call whether to
go to college or stay home for her family.
Her mom told her that she wanted her to go. She got into that school for the journalism
program, and her mom didn't want her to miss that opportunity. She went, but the guilt stayed with her. Being away from home as her mom was going
through chemo and her dad and siblings were all there to help and watch her
deteriorate, a lot of people were angry
with her when her mom did finally pass away. She recognizes that this was because
it's hard for people to deal with pain in the early stages of loss; it's unfamiliar
territory. She recalls people telling
her she should have been there, which reinforced that guilt within. Coping with this was A LOT, and again, trying
to manage an eating disorder on top of that was too much.
She knows her mom
would be so proud of her because this is something she wanted for herself; to
fully live and do what she loved. She was a
chef and that was like her passion; cooking and baking for other people. So, she likes to think she's like her mom in
that way...following her dreams.
Getting Help And Overcoming Her Eating Disorder
She started seeing
counselors in her junior year of college and through into her senior year,
which helped. But it still wasn't
clicking for her. After she graduated
from college and came home at the end of 2015, she began working as a personal
trainer and she was in a pretty toxic, emotionally abusive relationship. She thought she had things under control; she
was restricting her food and being 'perfect' with her eating and staying really
lean. But then her relationship started
to take more of a toll and she started binge eating again, really bad this
time. Binge eating disorder is where
you're basically just eating without thinking and at the end of the binge,
you're just drowning in feelings of shame and guilt. And so the cycle continues...you restrict
because you've eaten too much. But then
you do it again because you're under-eating.
Kailan thinks it's
important for people to recognize the difference between random binging and
binge eating disorder. Most people
binge. Most people over-eat from time to
time. But the binging becomes disordered
when your brain struggles to function rationally and you almost blackout and
you'll just eat anything and everything.
When someone has a random binge, usually it's on some junk food -
something delicious and a little bit 'naughty'.
But when someone with a disorder binges, it really doesn't matter what
it is - for Kailan, she would binge on healthy food most of the time because
that was the only thing she would buy and keep in her house. Whatever is being consumed, when you binge
eat in a disordered way, you eat to the point of extreme discomfort. You do it out of hatred, and you know
as you're doing it that you shouldn't be.
But physically and mentally you don't have the control to stop yourself.
Binge eating as a
disorder is an uncontrollable action followed by feelings of deep shame and
self-hatred. It's super common for
people with eating disorders to deal with depression and anxiety as well, which
is something else Kailan battles.
Over-eating or an occasional binge tends to be more controlled and the
person has more awareness and ability to manage what they eat and their
feelings surrounding it. The mindset is
different.
Binge eating was how
Kailan was dealing with the feelings and emotions that were coming up in her
relationship; unappreciated, worthless, not good enough. She hit her rock bottom, which can be such a
necessary part of healing. It just hit
her one day - she was so over it. She
wanted out of the relationship. She
wanted out of her eating disorder. She
didn't want this to be how she deals with things anymore. So, she did some research and found an eating
disorder treatment facility in her area.
She made sure insurance was going to cover it and then began outpatient
therapy. She went 3 days a week for 5-6
hours a day. And that was when things
really started to change for her.
I think it shows so
much strength in her character that she was the one who actually reached out
for help. She didn't really know what to
expect and she was pretty terrified, as you can imagine. She was part of a group of 20-30 women of all
ages. Initially, she remembers getting
there and wondering what on earth she was doing there. Had she made a mistake? How was this actually going to help her? All the fears trying to hold her back. But she was stronger than them. She told herself she would commit to this and
go every day. If she wasn't going to
fully submit to the process, it would be
a waste of time. Clearly what she had
been doing for the last 6-7 years wasn't working, so this time she decided to
listen to what the experts had to say.
One of the most
impactful things during Kailan's healing journey was being around other women
who had been through the same thing. Up
to that point in her life, she'd been very quiet and she didn't know anybody
else who had gone through what she had.
She felt so alone. That's one of
the biggest struggles for people with eating disorders; it feels very lonely.
The sense of
community and understanding from others took pressure off her and she realized
she wasn't crazy, it wasn't all in her head, and it wasn't something she'd never
overcome. She also got to see what her
life could look like in the future if she wasn't able to overcome it now - many
women who had similar struggles were much further along in their lives than her
and that was a big wake up too.
She also really
liked that she had a dietician and a therapist to work with 1:1. For Kailan, the dietician was super helpful
because she could see that Kailan was at a point where she was ready to learn
how to fuel her body. When she was at
the outpatient center, she wasn't treated like she was broken, and that was
paramount too! In Kailan's view,
recovery can be made more difficult when you're treated as if you're fragile,
or something's wrong with you...it can almost reinforce your own concerns about
yourself.
How Faith Played A Role In Her Healing
Kailan hasn't always
had a strong faith. At her darkest
points, she still didn't really know the Lord.
One of the blessings from her toxic relationship was that her boyfriend started taking her to church with him. One day, there was a sermon where the pastor
said: "I know there is a girl in this room
who is struggling with an eating disorder, and she just needs to know that
she's loved." Kailan cried
her eyes out when she heard this. It
made her realize a) she needed to end her relationship (he didn't even pick up
on this moment) and b) that faith needed to be a bigger part of her healing
process.
As she began her
treatment, she also began going to church more regularly. There was one day only a few months after
starting this new healing path where she came home, literally fell to her knees
and prayed to God: "I cannot do this on my
own anymore. I need you."
That was the first time she had ever, said anything like that out
loud. Laying her emotions out so
vulnerably. So desperate. And from that day forward, she started to
feel like she had that hope. Something
was placed within her that told her this wasn't the end of her story. And while it hasn't been smooth sailing since
then, she hasn't relapsed! Everything is
just getting progressively better with her relationship with food and body
image.
Something that I
read in a book that's always stuck with me and I think totally relates to
Kailan's story is that desperation is actually God's grace because it takes you
places that you would not have the faith to go otherwise.
Kailan's Advice For Overcoming Disordered Thoughts And
Behaviours
While God may fully
forgive us for our actions, we don't always forget them. And the enemy can use the memories at the
back of our mind to rear its ugly head up and try to distract us from the
progress that we're making towards the cross.
And when it does, we need a way to combat that.
Firstly, Kailan says
that "you have to be all in with something
like this. It might take time, but, you know, you're only going to do it when
you're ready...other people can't make that decision for you." And you also can't let anyone tell you
what you will and won't think or feel.
If you're someone with disordered thinking and someone tells you that
you'll always have them, don't believe it.
Believe in yourself and in God.
The thoughts will become less and less.
You'll become stronger and more able to stop them. You need to continually practice halting
those thoughts in their tracks and saying, no, I'm not doing this today. Question the thoughts that come up. Is what you're hearing really true about
yourself? Is that the way God sees you?
For Kailan, a part
of keeping herself on track is thinking back to the times when she was starving
herself and binging and purging and how heavy the shame, secrecy, and
frustration was. It was so heavy - like
being suffocated and carrying a boulder on her back all at once, and she doesn't
ever want to feel that way again.
Having goals that
keep her on track is also super helpful in fighting those thoughts. She does performance-based sports like
power-lifting and weightlifting. Sports
where if she loses weight, she's going to feel really bad. She won't be able to lift, her sleep will be
impaired, and her body will hurt more.
Keeping herself focused on things that have nothing to do with how her
body looks is important.
One other thing I
wanted to know from Kailan is how can we support people who are struggling with
something like an eating disorder?
Because in my experience, people can get a little defensive when they're
working through tough stuff. It might
even feel embarrassing for them if they feel like they're being told what to do
(or if that's their perception). So, if
you're observing somebody you think is struggling, try have a
1:1, private conversation where you guys sit down and you lovingly tell the
person "hey, I'm seeing some behaviors that are concerning to me and I'm
bringing it up because I love you and because I care about you. I'm not trying
to point a finger. I just want you to
know that I'm here and that I want to help you in any way that I
can."
Kailan wished she
had that kind of support. For her, the
support she did receive felt a bit more reactive. Her parents would try to force her to eat her
food. Or tell her she can't go to
basketball practice until she eats her sandwich, to which she would respond by
throwing it on the floor and walking out the door. Coming at it with compassion and making sure
it doesn't feel like a big intervention where a group of people are going
to sit the person down and confront them about all the things they're doing
'wrong' is important. The only time that
someone is going to feel inclined to change is if you're showing them support
that comes from a place of love and care.
If anybody ever
wants to reach out to Kailan, you are more than welcome. Whether it's her or somebody else, if you're
in the midst of an eating disorder and struggling to find your way out, find
somebody to talk to. You can connect
with Kailan on Instagram @kailan.kalina.
If you need some more support, you can use the Eating Disorder Help
Line: 800-931-2237.
To hear Kailan's story in her own words, listen to episode
83 of my podcast - The
Chasing Freedom Show. You can find it
on Spotify, iTunes, or SoundCloud. If you love the
episode, screenshot and share it with me on social media @trainertanner #chasingfreedom.
P.S. 3 Things I'm Loving Right Now
- I am Love from Fré Skincare. I love my skincare routine. This specific product came out towards the second half of 2019 and I have fallen in love with it. I look forward to using it every single night. It's a 5 ingredient oil product that you put on your face at night and it smells like a fresh bouquet of roses. Mmmmmmm! Click here to check it out and get at least 15% off all Fré Skincare products with my code TANNER.
- Ripple Half & Half. I am very much a coffee drinker. Every single morning, I start my day with a coffee. But I also don't really want to drink dairy in the morning. I was getting over almond milk in my coffee, so I switched to Ripple Half & Half, a completely plant-based creamer. It is SO good!
- Qapital savings app. I have been using this app for nearly 2 years and it is crazy how much we've been able to save with it! The app does the saving for you - all you do is link it up to your credit or debit card, set up a rule that says for every 'x' number of dollars spent, it rounds up a dollar or 2 and puts that away. If you're wanting to save more money, but it's hard for you to do it consistently, you need this app!
P.P.S.
Did you know that I have a FREE business coaching Facebook group (called Chasing Freedom Biz Leaders)
for women who are wanting to start or build up their businesses? I do a live
coaching here every Thursday at 12.30pm EST on live video. Join now if you want to be coached for free, to post and
share with the other amazing women and to be held accountable. I just love this
little group because I genuinely love and feel called to build up leaders in
this world.
Xo,
Tan
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