Faith Based Therapy with Kensi Duszynski
When did you last do
a health check on your relationship? Are
you doing everything you can to ensure it doesn't break down? How is your communication, intimacy and
self-care within your marriage? Read on
as I share some insights from Kensi Duszynski about how to avoid massive issues
in your relationship, what to do when you do have a problem, what intimacy is
and isn't, how to improve communication with your significant other, why
self-care is such an important part of showing up in your marriage and other
relationships, and most importantly, how to stay in faith through it all.
Kensi is a
rockstar! She is a licensed marriage and
family therapist, a certified professional coach and the host of The Brave
Marriage Podcast. I met her recently
through a full day marriage counseling event that Derick and I went to with
her. I ran up to her after and told her
I had to speak with her further - her intentionality with relationships and the
tools she gives people to build up their relationships and prevent them from
getting ugly are so impactful. The
workshop was all about having courageous conversations in marriage and it was
incredible, just like Kensi! It
immediately changed our relationship dynamic and communication for the better
and I'm so dang grateful. Kensi has a
private practice in Lexington, Kentucky called Brave Marriage where she does
marriage therapy, couples coaching, and workshops.
The Journey Of Finding Your Calling
As a teenager, Kensi felt called into Ministry of some sort but wasn't quite sure what that
was. Through middle school and high
school, she had people come to her with different issues they wanted help with
and some people even told her she should be a counselor. She didn't give it much thought, but then she
felt a specific calling to marriage counseling when she attended a Beth Moore
conference with her mom. Something came up about Matthew 9:37 where Jesus is
talking to his disciples: "The
harvest is plentiful but the workers are few." In that moment,
for some reason, she just heard 'marriage counseling' and from that point on
she pursued it. When she was sitting at
that conference with her mom, the penny didn't exactly drop. It has been a massive work in progress -
slowly, but surely, she has pieced all the bits together.
She began reading
relationship books and then went to college and got a psychology degree and
masters in marriage and family counseling.
The first time she ever worked with a couple about 7 years after feeling
that initial calling, she called her husband straight away and told him she
just knew this was what she was made to do.
She'd had this passion for a long time and she finally understood why.
I just love how this
whisper in her ear was so clear. A lot
of times (in the service industry especially) we don't realize what we've been
called to do until later on. Some people
know what they're meant to do at a young age and some don't. The important thing to remember is that we
all have different paths and I have to remind my clients this all the
time. Its a relentless pursuit; we must
just keep going after what we can in the moment with the resources that we have
and let God continue to work in and through us.
You are on the right path. It
might not be as clear to you as it is to others, but you're on track all the
same.
It doesn't elude
Kensi how special it was for her to have had this call early on. She is super grateful, but she also knows
that's not everyone's story, nor does it need to be. The Lord has us in
different seasons and positions to teach us what we need to learn to make
us even more impactful.
Having Courageous Conversations In Marriage - How
Kensi's Career Transpired
Initially, Kensi
offered 1:1 therapy and then began workshops where she was getting rooms of
couples together. When she was in grad
school, she trained under someone who specialized in relationship enhancement - therapy education and
coaching. This woman worked with
underprivileged couples and families and found a way to teach relationship
skills as skills - the idea that these
things can be taught and you don't have to be educated or come from a good
family background is super empowering.
Kensi had the opportunity to use some of these skills and lead workshops
at churches in different community settings and found that it was a really good
way to help people.
While 1:1 allows us
to work with people in a nuanced and very specific way where you can delve
deep, group settings allow for feedback from other couples which enhances the
learning in a lot of ways. It helps
people to think about things in a way they might not have if it were just 3
people in a room.
From my own
perspective, sometimes it can feel like Derick and I are the only couple in the world
dealing with the issues that we are, but when you're in a room of other
couples, you realize everyone deals with the same thing (or something similar) which is really comforting.
I'm a huge advocate
for community in general, especially when working on vulnerability. A lot of people don't have a space to speak
or the chance to hear others' perspectives.
Most of what we are going through is only going on within. Kensi understood this and knew the need
existed, and that's one of the reasons why she started Courageous
Conversations. She also knew that a lot
of people can't afford monthly or weekly counseling yet, so this was an
accessible way for people to begin doing the work. And it's also a much more preventative tool -
going to a workshop doesn't feel as scary as committing to therapy, so people
are likely to come much earlier! It
doesn't have the connotations attached to it that the words 'therapy' or
'counseling' tend to.
Courageous
Conversations are 6-hour workshops where people learn skills that build on each
other during the day and helps couples get the most benefit in a short amount
of time. People will leave with new
insights and things to implement straight away.
And it's KEY to go and implement these things right away, or you'll
easily end up back where you were. The
only consequence of this short, sharp session is that you might need some time
afterward to chill - it can be really emotionally draining, but that's how you
know you're doing the work!
Kensi's Courageous
Conversations Marriage Retreats are designed to help people
tackle how to be brave and have more open communication in their marriage. Derick and I didn't go to the event because we
needed counseling. We just wanted to be
working on ourselves because our marriage is a massive priority in our
lives. We've even carried on our
courageous conversations...every Tuesday we sit down together to talk about the
real stuff.
Kensi's philosophy
for these workshops is that she would much rather couples come in at the start
of their marriages to determine what they need to set themselves up well. Having a healthy relationship from the beginning
can change the trajectory of where you're headed for the better, and you might
not have even known that you needed it.
I loved seeing Kensi
get emotional at the end of the workshop we attended - she got to see God work
so fast within all these people, and to her, that was so special. I felt like Jesus was telling her in that
moment "well done good and faithful servant, this was a good day of work
for you". This work is so
meaningful; the difference she
can make in such a short amount of time is incredible, but she knows she can't
take full credit.
She really cherishes
what a gift it was seeing the transformation in her parents' marriage through their 10 years of marriage counseling when she was young. Being on the other end of therapy as a couple
leaves a legacy - it can really shift things for all the people whose lives cross
with yours. If you're the one doing the
work, it's not only you benefiting and that is the most beautiful thing.
Intimacy - What It Really Is And How To Cultivate More Of It
At its core,
intimacy is a mutual exchange of being fully known and fully loved - we can't
be fully loved if we're not fully known. That's why I try to cultivate
vulnerability in the Chasing Freedom Community; for people to be fully known
in ways that are often uncomfortable but have great reward. In marriage, being vulnerable and being known
allows your spouse to fully love you, have compassion and show you
unconditional love.
Sexual intimacy and
emotional intimacy are different, but within a marriage, they do go hand in
hand - we are never going to have a more intimate relationship than we do in
marriage. This is why I love talking
about marriage and it's why Kensi loves working with these relationships. However, sometimes we think that marriage
automatically earns intimacy but that's not necessarily true. You can have an intimate relationship and not
be married and you can be married and not have an intimate relationship.
There are ways that
Derick doesn't get super vulnerable very easily and that's why Courageous
Conversations really helped me. I now
know how to structure conversations so that he has space to be vulnerable. It highlighted to me that sometimes I spoke
over him, or I was wanting something from him that was more than he was ready
to give. Knowledge is power, ya'll!
Kensi's advice for
anyone who has a partner who is more closed off than they are or they
themselves don't know how to open up is to first develop awareness. Realize that perhaps you're not creating
space for your spouse to express their feelings or thoughts. Create space for them. This can look like asking intentional
questions such as "what was good about your day?" or "what did
you struggle with today?". Simple
little things where your spouse can answer something specific that indirectly
gives you an insight into how they're feeling without them actually divulging
their feelings outright.
I used to ask Derick
"how was your day?" and I
wouldn't get the response I was hoping for because it wasn't a very direct
question. Now, at the end of each day, we share our
biggest wins and struggles with each other.
I've learned so much about him and what's going on in his life
recently! I've learned that marriage may
not always be easy, but that doesn't mean it won't always be fruitful.
Women are way more
conditioned to be in touch with and share their feelings in general, so a lot
of times when we come to marriage, that's the first time men have ever had a
safe space where someone really wants them to open up and know what they're
thinking and feeling. The more that they
have this experience; the more he's being asked questions and he feels safe to
share; the more it will reinforce the feeling of intimacy.
For the couple who
isn't getting along, Kensi suggests trying to look for ongoing patterns or
perpetual problems. Then start with the
easy things you can do from home: read blogs and listen to podcasts that help
you work on the communication piece, AND call a marriage counselor and schedule
1 or 2 sessions to step outside and see your dynamic from a different
perspective.
A marriage
researcher, John Gottman, found that on average, couples wait 6 years too long
to come to marriage counseling. If we
think about this in health terms, here's what it could look like...if you start
having chest pains and you don't go to a doctor because you just pass it off as
anxiety and you push through and ignore it, there's a risk that if you
misdiagnose yourself, then you could have a heart attack. So when most people have the chest pains,
they go to the doctor to avoid this because the risk is so high. But when people have relationship pains that
aren't visible, external pains, they think it'll be okay, that it'll go away,
that its normal, and usually they don't seek help until after they've had a
marital heart attack. Then there's a lot
of recovery and repair time before they can even start to rebuild. So, if things aren't currently going so well,
why not go and get a quick tune up, rather than risking the damage that could
be done!?
Self-care And Why It's Crucial For Loving Others
The term 'self-care'
has been getting thrown carelessly, all over the place recently. Put simply, self-care is about making sure
that you are your best for others.
Especially in Christian culture, we're conditioned to just give and give
and love and only think about the fact that if we're loving others, we're
loving God. But a lot of times what gets
missed is the 'self' part. You can't genuinely love others the best you
can if you're not at your best. At some
point you'll end up giving from an empty tank and that's not going to be good
for you or the people you're trying to help. Self-care doesn't have to be
selfish and narcissistic. It's whatever you need emotionally, physically or
spiritually. And it's not just about self reliance. It's also putting
yourself in good community and letting other people care for you.
Self awareness is a
big part of self-care too - we first need to notice that we need to give
ourselves some attention. I have clients
who tell me they feel guilty for spending their time going to the gym for
themselves, but they have no problem constantly filling up their schedule with
other people's things. To truly
understand the character of God, all we have to do is look at scripture; Jesus
went off many times by himself to make sure he was filled up in preparation to
serve more people. Let us not rest when
we're exhausted, let's rest in order to run well. This perspective changed recently for me. I'm such a go getter who wants to do all the
things, but I've had to accept that I can't do all the things, and in fact, in
order to do what I am called for and to do it well, I need to make sure I am
prepared well in all the ways.
Expressing our
desires is a level we don't get to often.
Think about how often you tell the people you love exactly what you
desire or need. And then think about how
many times you have voiced that and how you felt afterward - was their guilt
attached? There often is from my
end. Who are we to tell others what we
need when we are meant to serve others?
But just as we are to help others, they are to help us - how are we
meant to know what each other needs if no one is voicing it?
Finding A Neutral Heart Posture
When we hear the
first inkling of a lie from that critical voice in our heads, we don't have to
completely replace that thought with the direct opposite. Sometimes we just need to find a neutral
thought/heart posture - we can't just slap scripture over a lie and expect it
to be fixed. Ask yourself where the lie
came from and ask why you're no okay with the thought that came to your mind -
why did you just think that? Change
happens in the pause. When you can pause
and ask yourself 'why', you allow yourself to pivot. Sometimes we just need to tell ourselves
"I am improving" rather than "I have overcome".
If you see your body
and you think to yourself how much you don't like it, instead of telling
yourself that you have the best body ever, just tell yourself "I have a
body". Plain and simple. And then be grateful for the fact that you do
have a body and get to live and move in this world.
You can connect with
Kensi on Instagram @kensiduszynski
or check out her website bravemarriage.com
and take her free quiz to shed light on where you're at in your relationship
right now bravemarriage.com/quiz.
P.S.
On Friday 13 December, the Freedom Method Mentorship is officially open to the
public. It's the only way to work with
me in 2020 for health coaching. Join me
on a 6 month (starting 6 Jan 2020) walk of faith, where you will experience
massive transformation and find true freedom in your body and mind - register here.
If you liked this
post, check out episode 77 of my podcast - The
Chasing Freedom Show. You can
find it on Spotify, iTunes,
or SoundCloud. If
you love the episode, screenshot and share it with me on social media @trainertanner
#chasingfreedom.
Xo,
Tan
Comments
Post a Comment